It’s become increasingly clear to me that my case of art block is running a bit deeper than anticipated and it’s time to take drastic-well, not that drastic, maybe just different-measures to try to work through it.
Keeping a weekly studio diary feels like a way to do that. You may want to read it, you may not, but everyone taughts the importance of journaling so I’m going to give it a try in my own way for the millionth time.
Think of it if you will like my own version of The Artist’s Way.
If you haven’t heard of The Artist’s Way it’s kind of referred to as the artist’s bible, a tome of instructions to help you reconnect with your own creativity. And I may be the only person on this earth who hates it.
It’s worked for SO many people so please know this is a me problem but the way it’s structured and the underlying religious rhetoric just doesn’t gel with me. I’m slowly making my way through all the alternatives that have been suggested but everything comes back to The Artists Way.
In that book one of the key things you’re supposed to do is morning pages. Essentially it’s three pages of consciousness spewed onto a page. The endless notebooks I have where there are a few weeks of scrawl that then taper off is astronomical as I once again attempt to follow the steps to find my creative self. Needless to say it never sticks.
And here we are now. At The Studio Diaries. Where instead of daily journaling I’m going to try to, once a week, talk through my creative thoughts here instead. We’re adapting the rules now as following them hasn’t worked.
The tldr of what’s been happening is-I had a solo show last year December but the date for it changed so I had three weeks to make 30 artworks and it broke something in my brain. I lost all confidence in myself. I then proceeded to get incredibly sick and ended up getting diagnosed with myalgic encephalomyelitis (commonly known as cfs but I don’t like to call it that as as soon as you use the word fatigue people zone out and think you’re just a bit tired as opposed to your body being so lacking in any form of energy even sitting uptight is impossible. Your bones feel like they’re melting and even sound is tiring).
Anyway so I’ve been dealing with that since December and, if I’m being totally honest, it’s killed my spirit. Compounded by the fact that people genuinely do not believe I’m so tired I feel like I’m going to die.
But I digress.
The last few weeks I’ve started to have a little more energy after just so many trips to the doctors and physios and a slew of other specialists.
Try another art form I thought. Break out of the things you normally do and do something you’ve genuinely never done. So I signed up for a silversmithing course.
The first of four classes was last week and I definitely bit off more than I can chew for a few reasons. Other than it being really exhausting (and it turning out everyone else in the class is between 18 and 21 who visibly winced-with one audible gasp-when I told them I was 35), I had underestimated what going back into a formal art institution would be like.
I studied at an unnamed art school here in Cape Town. This is at a different art school here in Cape Town. But walking in the doors my body was just filled with this overwhelming sense of dread and shame which was not what I was anticipating.
Art school is a funny beast. I obviously only speak for myself here (but know that many others will agree with me) when I say that it felt like the driving force of the instructors-not all but most-was to break your spirit. “The art world is cruel” they say, “we’re just preparing you for life in the real world”, and then proceed to destroy every scrap of self-assurance you’ve ever had.
I’ve had MANY years of therapy to try work through the complete destruction of self that happened in those four years. My creative spirit really struggled for a while and I really should have thought that, being in a space where I’m feeling a bit low in my creative identity, that going back into an actual art school might have been a bad idea.
There is the chance I might not go back for the last three lessons (don’t worry I paid in full up front). These next few days are for balancing out the desire to learn a new skill versus the potential blind panic that I felt the whole time I was there. Is it worth is?
So there we go. That’s that! In other news I ordered a load of new canvases to play on as well, play is the key thing here. And re-finding a niche for myself. The thing about making is that I selfishly want to really enjoy what I’m creating as well as have other people like it too.
The other thing I’ve set my heart on is a new kiln. After Kamers it became clear to me that I need to focus on expanding the ceramic side of my business. I really love working with clay but am limited a bit at the moment as my wonderful kiln is just so teeny tiny. It’s essentially a test kiln so I can really only fit very small items in it.
Part of the reasoning as well is that I want to bring back Greymalkins. I merged that with my art business a few years ago but want to separate the two again now. Greys can have all my functional ceramics and more silly whimsical stuff that I enjoy playing with and then we can go back to solely fine art here. I think that makes the most sense and then allows me to fully embrace both identities as they function separately rather than getting muddled together.
So that’s the plan! A new kiln is very expensive so am just working on a way to try raise the rest of the money for that. Am about half way there!
That feels like the logical next step so watch this space while a plan forms.
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